My husband and I often hear that we are role models in regard to our loving relationship. Although we have no intention of being the “hip-hop Cosbys” (as our friend, Sean, calls us) we have indeed been in a happy, healthy, fulfilling union for 14 years. As we approach our 12 year wedding anniversary this year, I’ll reveal some of the “secrets” to our relationship’s success.

Friendship – One of the most important agreements in our relationship is that we are friends first. Before being lovers, before being husband and wife and before our role as parents, we are friends through and through. For us, friendship is wanting the other to be the best they can be and doing everything you can to support them without wanting anything in return. We cultivated this by being platonic friends for years before we ever dated and when we began dating, we put off sex for a year to make sure that lust didn’t deceive us. This allowed us to love and know each other as friends before becoming lovers. Our friendship is rooted in consistent, respectful, open communication.  We talk about everything, with nothing being too taboo for fear of hurt feelings. We are honest, but loving in our communication. We also have great fun together and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. However, we don’t smother. We’re both fiercely independent and loners, so we give each other needed space to grow individually as we do together. We find what works for us and we go with it, adapting when necessary.

The Whole Equation - As romantic as it sounds in the film Jerry McGuire, the “you complete me” logic doesn’t quite work for us. We believe that we had to get our crap together before entering a relationship so that we could come into the relationship whole and ready to function like emotionally-stable adults. I had to work on my trust issues and learn to stop being so evil and he had to drop his nonchalance and ego. Some relationships don’t work because one of the partners wasn’t ready to be in a relationship or didn’t realize that he/she still had major unresolved issues that could kill the relationship. This is not about being perfect. It is more about getting your own house in order before dirtying up someone else’s with your mess. Neediness was also kicked to the curb. We don’t “need” each other to be whole. We simply want to be together and for us, that is enough.

PYP – This is my husband’s favorite term. We believe firmly in “playing your position”. We let each other be who we are. We don’t micromanage. We don’t try to change each other or force the other to be who he/she is not. I don’t wear heels and he wears colorful sneakers to work. I don’t wash dishes and he doesn’t clean toilets. Who cares? He eats meat; I don’t, but I cook it for him. The love and acceptance is unconditional. We also don’t try to parent each other. We respect each other’s decisions and let each other live. I don’t nag and he doesn’t do the machismo thing. When he wants to go out or ride his motorcycle, I say “see you later”. There is no guilt trip or barrage of unnecessary questions and drama. When I say I’m going toGuatemala for a month, he says, “Do you need any money?” and “I guess it’s gonna be a lonely month.” We support each other’s interests, passions and goals. We play our position.

Ego Slip – We constantly check our egos to make sure that we are being flexible and cooperative. We also compromise without making a big deal out of it. We see compromise as a win-win, not a win-lose. If we are both happy and feeling respected, then we both win. There are very few arguments (maybe 2x a year) and more calm, quick discussions. We apologize when we hurt or offend the other. It sounds simple, but ego can make this simple act very difficult. We admit when we are wrong and quickly and sincerely apologize. Then, we let it go. There’s no need to hold on to stuff that won’t strengthen the relationship.

Love is beautiful. Ego, possessiveness, neediness, poor introspection, fractured souls, and lack of effective communication are what make love more complicated than it has to be. For those of you in love, we wish you many blissfully fulfilling days together. Please share your love tips with us as well, so that all of our relationships can continue to grow and prosper from good love, great advice, and faith that what we have is worth preserving.

Love & Light, Tina & Jashed

Check out yesterday’s interview with Anondra “Kat” Williams of Sippin on Ink. SOI explores all things LGBT oriented and I was honored to be included in the discussion. We had a great chat about the LGBT family, so tune in! Also, check out her new book, black girl love!

Tina Fakhrid-Deen 08/10 by Sippin on Ink | Blog Talk Radio.

Where: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/isthatyourchild

When: Friday, August 5th at 2:30 (central)/3:30 (eastern)

This is a great website, blog and internet radio show, Is That Your Child?, created and hosted by Michelle McCrary, a mother and writer whose goal is to provide support, voice and advocacy for mothers of color raising biracial or multiracial children. Check out her site and listen to her weekly show to learn more about the experiences of these parents and how you can educate yourself on these families. Michelle is committed to challenging the notion of the “traditional family” and educating those stuck in the matrix about diverse family structures. She invited me to talk on her radio show about Let’s Get This Straight (Thanks, Michelle!) in an effort to further the conversation on family. Check out our interview and be sure to tell others about how your family is configured in casual conversations. Communication and visibility leads to understanding and more open-mindedness. To Our Families, Tina

K.L.E.O. Community Family Life Center mural

Gang-related or not, these are children that we are dismissing and deciding are better off dead. These are children despite Kotlowitz’s stance that there are no children here. These are children stricken with the brunt of poverty and disdain. They are not a gang of monsters to run from, evade, imprison, or wish dead. These are children that we have created and that reflect us at our worst. So there has to be accountability all around. It doesn’t just stop at the parents. We already blame the victim, so who else wants to step up and take a bite – tasting, chewing into miniscule pieces, swallowing, and then digesting the rancid chunk of reality that is the death of our babies? The death of possibility and hope. The death of concern. And ultimately, the sluggish death of our nation.

While some of us see gangs as thugs, others see them as family, kinship and survival. It’s about perspective and circumstance. I don’t care about the gang title; I care about the violence that hides behind it. Quincy was a good young man, but he wasn’t perfect. No one is. While some of you see gang-banger tagged across the headline, I saw potential. I saw a human being trying to make his way in a tough neighborhood during tough economic times and righting his wrongs of the past by going back to school. Quincy was a beanpole standing at about 7 feet, side-splitting funny, intelligent, artistic, and a 2011 high school graduate on his way to college downstate in the fall. He also played the dozens until the defeated bowed down to his comedic superiority. He was truant from school at times and took a while getting focused in class. He irked my nerves at times. He was a normal teenager from where I stand. Now he’s dead, the second of my students this year and the fifth in the five years I’ve taught.

The murder happened on a scorching afternoon and occurred one block from my daughter’s school and across the street from my favorite café. This is my community, the one I live and work in. As horrific as this news about Quincy was, it was a regular summer day on the south side of Chicago. As a matter of tragic fact, my class planned for this spree of unnecessary violence in an end-of-the-year arts integration project entitled It’s Getting Hot: Stories of Loss, Hope and Survival in Chicago where my students drafted and performed monologues about youth violence – analyzing the reasons, the perspectives and the solutions. For many of them, it was the first time that they were asked to process and discuss how their lives were affected by community violence and what impact they had on the crisis. Almost 100% of my students knew a person under the age of 25 who had been killed or shot. Some had done the shooting. They had plenty of opinions on why they were killing each other, but had a difficult time figuring out how to reduce it.

I pushed and prodded. Although they eventually came up with a list of tips to distribute so that other students could remain safe during the summer, it did not surprise me that initially, they preferred to debate about the problems and reasons for violence instead of how to solve it. They mirror us – the adults in society that sensationalize the problem, lambaste it and debate it perpetually, but refuse to take serious and holistic steps to figure out viable solutions. And now that our state and every other in this nation will be forced to slice the budget even more, the very programs needed to support youth like Quincy will be cut first or severely bludgeoned to a state of fiscal inefficacy, as was recently reported in a USA Today article. The trickle down effect of “balancing” the federal budget will result in more crime, less resources and less opportunity for our youth. But instead of focusing on that, we’d prefer to ask questions like “was it gang-related” which absolves us of all responsibility. How about this? We are all gang-related somehow because we are all connected in tenuous ways and we must sit in this stew together or help each other get out of the pot.

There is no one answer or one savior that will swoop down and save us from ourselves or save our children. We must all take responsibility and work as a “gang” to stop youth violence and the ignorance that causes it. These are our children. They need us. If we refuse to believe that we can help, what becomes of future generations? What becomes of our hearts? I do not have all of the solutions, but I do know that at our best, we have heart, passion, the willingness, and ability to stop watching this annihilation and keep fighting on behalf of our future. I hope that you will keep fighting on behalf of our children. If not us, who?

Rest in Peace, Quincy. You will be missed and I promise to keep fighting for the millions of Quincys who are still here. God-willing.

Note: Name has been changed to protect the privacy of Quincy and his family. Please feel free to contact me (tina@tinafakhriddeen.com) for collaboration to brainstorm and meliorate this community crisis. Ashe.

So let me tell you what I stand on. I firmly believe in the right to adoption by heterosexual and LGBT individuals or couples that intend to be great parents and provide a safe, nurturing, and loving environment for children who have waited long enough. I also believe that my tax dollars should not be used to discriminate against LGBT people based on religious beliefs when there is supposed to be a separation of church and state. That means Catholic Charities must also be fine with not receiving government aid to support their adoption program because civil unions are now legal in Illinois. I am not into changing minds or hearts. No vale la pena. Catholic Charities has a right to pull out of adoption all together and I applaud them for providing space at the table for groups who will do the job right. This move will allow non-discriminatory IL adoption agencies who could use the funding to find loving homes for the children that they have promised to support. I hope that this trend continues (with as minimal disruption in the lives of these children as possible) and that our tax dollars are not used to exclude, but include all families. LGBT families are here and we aren’t going anywhere, so get used to us and start respecting us. Furthermore, foster children are better off without the additional red tape of discrimination and bigotry (under the auspices of religion). Good job, Illinois! Good riddance, Catholic Charities adoption contract. I bid thee farewell.

I then became frustrated with myself because that’s my problem in a nutshell – full-time commitment. I am a hardcore slacker when it comes to self-care. Intellectually, I can tell you how it’s done; it’s the action behind it that’s problematic. I tend to start strong and then lose steam and it seems to be cyclical. When things get hard, my self-care systems falter. I start working out for a few months and then I fall off the treadmill. I write in concentrated spurts (I call them micro-bursts of brilliance), but not daily like I feel I should to hone my craft. I try to practice not yelling at my daughter and then a rough day at work will make me lose focus and become a mediocre, out-of-control parent who makes mountains out of the molehills of toys piled on each free space of carpet in her bedroom.

How do we commit to ourselves and our said values without allowing life’s challenges and detractors to constantly get in the way? To use another Covey reference, we can’t chop down the tree without first sharpening the saw. How do we sharpen ourselves first, as a consistent, meaningful practice? Is it truly possible or a superwoman/superman pipedream? Please give me your opinions. Your girl needs help!

Where: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/isthatyourchild

When: Friday, August 5th at 2:30 (central)/3:30 (eastern)

This is a great website, blog and internet radio show, Is That Your Child?, created and hosted by Michelle McCrary, a mother and writer whose goal is to provide support, voice and advocacy for mothers of color raising biracial or multiracial children. Check out her site and listen to her weekly show to learn more about the experiences of these parents and how you can educate yourself on these families. Michelle is committed to challenging the notion of the “traditional family” and educating those stuck in the matrix about diverse family structures. She invited me to talk on her radio show about Let’s Get This Straight (Thanks, Michelle!) in an effort to further the conversation on family. Check out our interview and be sure to tell others about how your family is configured in casual conversations. Communication and visibility leads to understanding and more open-mindedness. To Our Families, Tina